Do You Remember?
by CrescentColours
Summary: A series of letters...
1. Chapter 1

To my Dearest, Serena.

Do you remember? The smell of engine oil, frustration and my best perfume? The meeting of eyes, hands shaking, voices conversing. The little green car that made me chuckle and the sound of irritation in your tone that made me want to take you in my arms there and then and hug it out of you. The feel of your hair, slightly on end where you'd run your hands through it while you berated that stupid mechanic who'd sworn he had fixed the head gasket, pleaded with your breakdown service to come and tow your car back to where dashboard lights become pound signs and surgical brilliance becomes vehicle ignorance, begged your insurance company for a courtesy car to transport you between home and hospital, bar and bathtub, nurse and nephew. "Engine whining or growling? Any intermittent smell of burning rubber?"

Do you remember? Down the cast of eyes, trying to impress, Queen AAU and King CEO, the lowly foot soldier arrived for duty, the voice slightly shaky and pitched too shrill, an order-taker, not an order-giver in this life as yet, the fear, the pain, the turmoil of lie upon lie upon lie. No place to call home at work, at home, anywhere in between. The craving for nicotine and yet unlit, quitting not the usual path for a Major with no army. "I think you're supposed to light it" but still no spark apart from the blaze set alight when our fingers met, did you feel it too?

Do you remember? The call of the bird in the chilly air, coats pulled close against the invading damp. The smiles offered and accepted, the start of the long, slow walk ordained by fate, cursed by indecision and keeping up appearances. The not knowing yet knowing, exchange of names and reputations, professional not personal, that came later, first impressions solidified and hardening rapidly, a curiosity, a cat caught cleaving to the possibility even then, of hope, of care, of more than our minds knew but our hearts already desired.

Do you remember? The walk inside, the hesitation, the magnetic pull of hand to hand yet repel they must as opposites don't yet attract, or shouldn't at least, like sides repel and we are not the same, can't see it, too blinded by situation and circumstance and Y chromosomes all heated and possessive. Of meiosis and mitosis and 3, no 4, offspring with lives and lives and opinions, not seeing or seeing too much, taking and not giving, reap what we sew in decades of innocence and trying to be socially acceptable, fitting in with parental expectations and societal norms, but now on a path? To destruction or salvation, damnation or salvation, two sides of the same coin perhaps. A day of beginning, of meeting and of initiate greetings, of meeting of minds and hearts, soulmates arisen.

Do you remember? The lift, the selection, which floor, which ward, which treadmill are you getting on Ms Campbell, Ms Wolfe? Colour of scrubs, Bahama turquoise and Shiraz Magenta, not the ending, but the colours set out for the first carousel. The mass of the public and the names and the faces of colleagues, fall in to be remembered, ranked, sorted with no hat into skill set, patient care, surgical prowess and ego. Who is with who and who has been with whom, a social dance more intricate than any Viennese waltz, paper and pagers, computers and catheters, needles and knickers all in chaotic order. Today or tomorrow the rounds of beds, but now, a lift, advice, a friendly face imprinted like a sucking on its mother, the anchor in the waves, the settled and serene Serena, the bumbling and breathless Bernie, their first awkward dance.

Do you remember?

Love, Bernie.


	2. Chapter 2

My darling, Bernie,

Do I remember you, like an angel appearing in a cloud of grey haze and oily fog, listening to me ramble about mechanics and idiots in insurance and insufferable cars that never do what they are supposed to do. The white knight of my day, week, month, life, arriving all blonde curls and legs and an appreciation of a beautiful woman, resonating somewhere inside me that I didn't recognise. The softest syllables and the simpering sighs as you offered comfort and compassion to a woman clearly out of her depth. The moment when planets aligned and stars collided and yet the world continued to turn as if this was just another meeting, another new face, new colleague to be pleasant to, as deputy CEO. The swift diagnosis of the terminal nature of the engine, your trademark without any ability to get in their, get down and dirty with the cogs and springs, not on your first day. Not in that coat. Do I remember?

Do I remember Hanssen arriving and you preening in front of him, sultry and suave and yet all the time your eyes returned to me, a rival or an ally in your efforts to impress? The impressive credentials, the Major is in the building, Major sass, Major trouble, Major sexy, Major mine. Not yet of course but was that hope that knock-knee moment where you in uniform sprang into mind, desire or curiosity at a life so far removed from my area of understanding. The instant of heat, desert sand and flash bang grenade ignited in stark contrast to your cigarette. The whisper of exotic, spices and tastes, experiences and visions, tinged with the red the fallen and the rips in the flag you once defended and still saluted, but no longer rallied to, the NHS your new master. Do I remember?

Do I remember the passages of minutes like days and seconds like hours, time taking new meaning as the cold seeped under clothes and into skin and flesh and blood, already burning up for you if only the symptoms could be diagnosed. The walk that was so much the spider to the fly, come to my lair and sample my wares, oh spider won't you sit down beside her and devour her words and store them, replay them, now, today, again and again, the soul captured is mine, woven in a web of our mutual creation. The questions, the probing, the colleagues of mention, learning the land, mapping the territory, all the while keeping the smiles as defences yet willing to rush over the top. Do I remember?

Do I remember the prim and the proper? The pomp and circumstance of new colleagues and impression, the 2.4 children yet not so conventional, not either side with decree absolute and another spouse resolute, marriage for the saving masking heart that was taken, away from the dance of what was expected, hidden desires and ones that were rejected. The stories untold and the memories unseen, the scrubs and the masks inviting no mention of the real me inside and you of whom I would come to dream. The meeting the others and backward your glances, first impressions are formed, you learn to give second chances and intricate the dance of your very first day, a quickstep, or a waltz as you went Kellers way and still I hoped, maybe knew deep inside me, that you'd be the one, that you'd come to find me.

Do I remember?

Love, Serena x


	3. Chapter 3

My rock, Serena.

Do you remember the early days, the snatched conversations, the smiles in corridors and consultations over bodies, probe under sheets, the minions and minors milling around us, seeking the knowledge, asking the questions, pushing the boundaries? The wisdom imparted, the words of praise and encouragement mostly to our charges but often each other, the syllables stored as treasure in my chest, the intake and the gasp of my impressed breath as you slowed the pace, forcing me calmer, consider your options, it's not the same in these trenches Major. Take the time, make the time, there is always time to reflect, consider. Ask me the question?

Do you remember? The whispers, the questions, the no confidence vote? The suspension so undeserved, anyone could have done it, left there. The pain in your eyes and the ache in my heart, Miss Fix-it couldn't fix it, couldn't ride in and save you, the desire to, did you see, did you feel it? The blurring of lines between colleagues and friends, further blurring is a way ahead yet, but maybe even then, the siren song of heart, the bodies that gravitate and comforting touches. The hoodie that feels like a hug from my best friend, the woman I wanted, in my life, in my heart, is not the one I'm outed with, who is she?

Do you remember, the looks, the whispers, the shame in the revelation, the failure as a woman, a wife and a mother, failure to keep it platonic. My captain, my underling, the chase and the thrill overcast by the shame, the crippling soul-sucking shame. Could you see when I met your eyes, the horror, the fear, the rejection I expected and the relief at its absence? The tentative resumption of a friend in need. The meetings on benches outside the ward, the cigarette still unsmoked and the words left unsaid, yet everything inside me like a book that you'd read, you knew the feelings, articulate my thoughts, captured the moments and gave solace when it was sought. My heroine, my princess, my commander, my Queen, little foretastes of what you would come to mean. Did you see it?

Do you remember the destruction of trust, the accepting a position, that you thought was cut and thrust? No ulterior motive, at least not about working, having your back, not cutting you down, being your safe place, a sounding board, a release, somewhere to confide your hopes and your fears. A worry shared and halved and all that, not wanting someone less virtuous to snap you up and invade the place I self-claimed in your heart, even if you didn't know that, is that where it starts? Coming to see me for who I truly am, no secrets, no lies, well only white ones, I know that even those you despise, but I worked on it, my talking, conversation and words, and whatever I said you still said you heard the unspoken, the mystery, you unravelled my meanings, my favourite pastry and my choices and leanings. You saw me.

Do you remember, the drinks, coffee, Shiraz, whiskey, water. The easy silence, the jokes and the songs, surrounded by others and sometimes alone. Drift into the easy routine, part of the plan with Jason woven in. The casual meetings, the evenings in Albies, the roof top moments where I hid and you found me. Sitting together on the fire escape, the cool of the metal and the words that you said. The kindness that pervaded every word and your gestures, the leaning a bit closer and the contact of elbows, the slipping of a hand in an arm, the lifts and the sharing, scarves and cups and gloves and change, caffeine and carbohydrate, words, memories, history and stories.

Do you remember?

Love, Bernie.


	4. Chapter 4

My refuge, Bernie,

Do I remember? The glimpses of blonde hair and berry scrubs, the silent footsteps and the breath of air as you ran from pillar to post? The desperation, the needing to prove, to be the best, to stay the best, do more, be more. The consults, the questions, the best of intentions, the casual sparring and the full on joust, jostle for position, not posturing but teasing, spilling over the edges, the touches, the sparks. The labelling of reaction as competitive friendship, yet supporting, feeling our way on waves of questions and challenge, set to showcase the other, after you, after all, afternoons of debating, pages and phone calls, visits to the trenches, battle lines drawn but not opposing sides. Encourage the spontaneous, to go with my gut. "Trust your instincts Serena, I do?"

Do I remember? The pain in your face that wasn't quite masked as one by one they turned and forgot who I am? The integrity hidden and the skills were forgotten, gossip and questions of ability begotten, no confidence, well a sham and a farce. The strength and resolve as you vowed to fight the good fight, the stay by my side and the talks into the night, the broken shell hidden by brusqueness and sarcasm, the refuge of all who find themselves downtrodden. The gestures, overt and the well-wishing glances, so eager you were to give me second chances, where no other fool would wilfully tarry, my burdens it seemed no effort to carry, kindness exalted and then it was leaving, for another heart towards which you were cleaving, a woman from past, I hadn't expected, your heart not your husband who wasn't selected. Cheating a familiar refrain in a life, where another man did stray from his wife, reputation is tarnished and trust paid a price for wandering lonely and seeking some solace, relief from the humdrum and love and affection. Battle armour donned in attempt to save face, red lip stick, leopard print and hints of sheer lace, in sharp contrast to waffle grey comfort, embroidered position and the hugs that were longed for, not asked for, not given, but touch is deceiving, pats on the back and gentle arm squeezes, impartation of togetherness and once more a team, still not fully conscious of what that would come to mean?

Do I remember? The spy in the camp, the obliteration of trust, usurper in the midst of what I had come to think of as "us?" Accepted your transfer to stand by my side, "stab in the back" was the only though in my mind. Indisputable indispensable, to my Sherlock a Watson, a hero, a confidant, reading my thoughts, the moments in silence and soft little touches, the pull towards what I had so often sought, highlight the lonely and moments of each other, the smoking break smokeless and the freezing cold air, sitting so close, a sizzle, a stare, dread of rejection and liquid courage needed, the deep roots of you and me not so easily conceded, my sounding board and go to, you took down my walls, my strength and my song and my first port of call. Phone numbers exchanged and the little tiny texts, "how was your day" and "Friday, well after next?" Plans and the times silent together all making, a friendship, a best friend and the time we were taking, the knowledge of the other, deep down inside, the sharing of secrets and the things we wouldn't hide, but still the places of the pain we kept hidden, something still too big, to speak of, to get rid.

Do I remember? The blurring of boundaries, between home and that of work, Jason, a nail file, a button sewn on your shirt, the liquids consumed, black, brown and red, the fear of arachnids and experiences in bed, man shaming and husbands who chose not to see us, both thankful and hurt by the decree meant to free us, the meals and leftovers, snatched lunches in boxes, cookies and temptations, to my hips seeing toxic, shining eyes and the laughter and the pull of together, setting up a sense of forever.

Do I remember?

Love, Serena x


	5. Chapter 5

Auntie Serena,

My results of the efficiency study suggest if you spent less time looking at Dr Bernie you would be more efficient at discharging your patients. You waste an inordinate amount of time gazing at her when you should be focussed on your paperwork. I suggest you confine your looking to after hours. I have forward my conclusions to Mr Hanssen.

Jason Haynes.

P.S. can Dr Bernie come for fish and chips and scrabble tomorrow?


	6. Chapter 6

A/N - this has become more prose than anything else. I hope you are still enjoying even with the shamless rhyme.

My light, Serena.

Do you remember those dark days of death and lies, where nothing seemed certain and the overcast skies of fate and fortune and everything in between, the hope and the hopeless and and the devils black scheme? The notion of Arthur dying, a sceptre and a sham, nothing ever seemed to phase that boy, his love of Morven, his diligence, his skill, Dom and Zosia and Keller and AAU and Henrik and so many affected by his illness, a brain tumour in intelligence seems so derisive, so pointless, the brilliance, the fierceness, the love that you showed, the mother within you balanced with boss and cognisant of everything that would be counted loss.

Do you remember? The day of his death where you were the glue holding together, the people left behind and the memories meant forever. The words that were spoken, the confidences kept, the chance meeting in the peace garden, where on my shoulder you wept. The human emotions that you tried so hard to hide, not trusting me yet perhaps, to be the constant by your side. Everblooming the flowers of the love that was stirred, the sobs that broke the silence, with just a single word. Your name on my lips, the greatest of my treasures, broke the floodgate open by the harshest of measures, tried to hide, you didn't want me to see, the fragile Serena kept hidden underneath, layers of protection and armour of make-up, push away, stay away, "don't be nice, you'll make it worse", not acknowledging the heartache, that being alone was so painful, an arm round your shoulder, the feeling awakened. Wanting to hold you, kiss it all better, took the cowards way out, chose the wine that would settle the stomach and vanish the tears, for a little while at least, while anyone could see you, shove down the grief and retake the ground, the inner surgeon and doctor, emotions seemed unfounded, professional mask but it didn't reach your eyes, just like another time, when you smiled sadly at my lies.

Do you remember Cameron and the accident? The shock in my face and that you were suddenly my anchor, it felt like an invasion, a blurring of boundaries, happy to see him but so hard to be round him, reminder of my failings and your shock and surprise, when you found out about my cheating and the depth of my lies, I didn't want to be that person, not someone you despised, it scared me so much to look in your liquid chocolate eyes. You gave us the time, encouraged me to talk, took on extra duties, and did all the cases on the ward, selfless and giving, you're everything beautiful thing, you made my heart leap and caused my soul to sing, the arm around me this time, the stroking my back, made me so aware of the qualities I lack, hopeless as wife and worse as a mother, ran out so many times on Charlotte and her brother, he saw, you know, the way that I saw you, encouraged me to talk and wanted me to love you, I already did, my darling, though I couldn't admit it, rejection too painful, I couldn't have borne it. My very best friend in the entirety of my life, I wouldn't exchange that, for trouble and strife, what if it was reciprocal, it would hurt so damn much and then I nearly screwed it anyway, with the lie that I told, coerced by Cameron but my words I still own. Told you he was driving and you saw right through it, the sadness in your expression and the telling me I blew it. Begged you for forgiveness, better words in my head, so many confessions that remained unsaid. That's what love is you said at the door, defending the indefensible and it's always bloody and raw. There's always been heartache, and I am so very sorry, the sleepless nights of anger and the river of sheer worry. That day was the first time I knew and it was true, I loved you, I love you, and it remained constant and the rule, that I wouldn't act, I couldn't bear to lose you, even if that meant loving you from afar was the best I could do.

Do you remember?

Love, Bernie.


	7. Chapter 7

My sunshine, Bernie,

Do I remember where the light seemed to vanish, the sorrow filled days and the evil unvanquished? The black of the days so much darker than the night, where death came to play and love lost its sight, days by his bedside, I can't name him, it hurts, the love for his darling and the refusal to give up work. You stood by my side, silent and supporting, words and records and drugs you kept reporting, so I would be free to be in his orbit, the wait and the stray who I loved so very surely, a piece of my heart pierced as we waited, nothing was working, his demise seemed so fated, the illness that took him, the bad taste that it left, of wormwood and ashes and souls so bereft, no comfort in medicine, no learning that I hold, could give him more memories or stories to be told.

Do I remember the sound of the flatline, the keening of tears and the wife left to pine? The absence of humour and the leaving of hope, the sadness so deep within me that only death can evoke, the truths he imparted and the lives he had impact, the speech by Hanssen so matter of fact, where Dominic's emotions laid bare on his face, the laying to rest in his finally earthly place. Escapee, departed, running all the while, to the garden of remembrance and peace and no smiles, heard your footsteps coming, I knew it was you, turned my back towards the only person who knew, the blackness of sorrow that invaded my being, you came towards me while the rest seemed to be fleeing. My tears surprised no one and you took them in your stride, put your arm around me, not letting me hide, soothed my soul with actions and tended my heart, which was lost to you forever, the day my car wouldn't start. Pushed you away, must be strong, must be brave, if you'd held me tighter, well I just was afraid, I wanted to kiss you but didn't yet trust my feelings, the sapphic awakening that was leaving me reeling, out it down to grief and so starved of affection, to want you to hold me was a natural direction. Took me for Shiraz, my most faithful of friends, let the walls back up, my own heart mine to tend, put on the mask but you could see straight through, your eyes told me that day, to totally trust you.

Do I remember the day the trust was so broken, the arrival of Cameron, the shock that was woken, you seemed so fragile, like a frost covered flower, you wilted still further more by the hour, evoked my protection, my lioness roared, the hurt in your eyes and the worry in your words. I could tell you were hiding, evading my questions, especially when any little details were mentioned, then I saw with my very own eyes, in theatre, she was driving, how blatent were your lies? The steel coldness of conversation when I told you I knew, your panic, I saw it, but didn't know what to do. Wanted to make it all better but my silly misjudged pride, made you retreat and cower and assume I despised, when all I wanted was to take you in my arms, hold you, kiss it better, so you knew there was no harm. Saw your struggle for words and need for absolution, I gave it so freely, love the solution, defend the indefensible but that's not what my heart said, its words ran much deeper and leapt to your defensive, "I love you" it shouted but head couldn't interpret, beyond knowing our friendship was so worth it, forgiveness was given before I walked out the door, looking I thought you knew but now not so sure, it's why I text you, telling you nothing had changed, you friend now and always and swiftly arranged, a drink in the bar, a dinner just for two, so I could show you I meant it, you were safe through and through. And loved. So very loved.

Do I remember?

Love, Serena x


	8. Chapter 8

My heart-keeper, Serena,

Do you remember the day where it changed, forced to confront that nothing would ever be the same? It was building I though, the looks and the glances, the softness of touches and the million second chances, always forgiving and caring for my heart, my friend, my soulmate, I never wanted to be apart, made excuses to see you, that I didn't really need, but listening to the warnings to ensure we succeed, keeping our friendship was my sole reason to exist, but in the end my heart just wouldn't listen to this. I wish I had listened to the concerns that were raised, yes he was broken, but he just needed to be brave, I should have known better and trusted our staff, not left him alone with Steph hanging about. I never thought it would go as far as it did, to see Fletch lying with the damage the screwdriver did, the fear and the worry and the fight for his life, you grounded me in surgery as I picked up the knife, "trauma is you", your gentleness said, "you've got this Bernie" and it helped me keep my head.

Do you remember you watched over me, like an angel sent to guard, stepping into reassure me when the procedure got so hard, I could see his life just ebbing away and you helped me to save him and forced him to stay, closing his wounds and the fatigue was setting in, your eyes spoke a sonnet of comfort deep within, taking me arm and leading me to water, washed my hands so gently, as would a mother to a daughter and then we sat on the floor with our backs to the wall, when my courage it failed me and the tears threatened to fall, blaming myself for the all the disasters of the day, you said "fantastic and fearless" and the scared feelings went away. I looked at your soft, beautiful, lovely face, eyes flickered to lips and I leant in to embrace, kiss so gentle and the taste of your lips, the feel of your hair as I gave into the bliss.

Do you remember pulling back and just looking at my face, then you leaned toward me and my heart began to race, you grasped at my arm and returned the motion, you kissed me back, I couldn't contain my emotion, the joy, the wonder, the love bursting forth, sitting together, kissing for all we were worth, the outpouring of everything we had contained for so long, refusing to listen to my head screaming that it was wrong, lost in the moment, lost myself in you, lost myself forever, hearing what you do, your moan when you kiss, so expressive and delightful, hands in our hair, leaving it spiked and really frightful.

Do you remember when we finally pulled apart, when I all I truly wanted was for another kiss to start? The noise of a person in the room right next to where we were, then we were standing and you looked nervous and unsure, I wanted to tell you so much how I felt, the words that wouldn't come always the hand that I am dealt, wanted to reassure you and offer you something, that meant that we wouldn't be a simple one time thing, screaming internally to reach out and take your hand, profess my love and explain where we stand, but the silence engulfed us like the largest of waves, and the moment became something I just couldn't save. We left and I hurried, not wanting to wait, to hear the words you might speak, of regret, disgust or hate, breaking my own heart as I ran and left that day, not for the first time, I am so ashamed to say. It wasn't lack of love, that was never the reason, that I left you, not that time, it felt like pure treason, I hated myself for leaving without you, alone and lonely and not knowing what to do.

Do you remember?

Love, Bernie.


	9. Chapter 9

My soul-saver Bernie,

Do I remember the day that it flipped, the breaking of hearts and the meeting of lips? Starting so long before the moment on the floor, the contact and care, the yearning for more, being together in our office and on the ward, in Pulses and Albie's and my home and yours, finding myself more and more drawn to you, misinterpreting the heat and my hearting racing too, Menopausal hormonal and in a start of flux when the day came and the issue was the crux. The dizzying emotions and the broken people who hurt, Fletch and then theatre and the ordering words, scalpel and sutures and clips and rib spreader, sealing the exit wound, where we are at our best when together, I knew that you'd got and I told you just that, the relief in your face and the unspoken pact, we would fix this and I knew you could do it, so proud of you in that moment when we knew it, that he was physically patched and the operation was at end, I knew then I would need your heart to carefully tend.

Do I remember I washed you for the first time, as you stared into space, recovering your thoughts and resetting your face, not quite able to shove the thoughts away, you can never hide from me, I never want you to run away. You looked broken and bruised, exhausted we were sat, I could see by your face where your feelings were at, blaming yourself was something of a shock, I thought you were angry not scared and it unlocked, a stream of self-loathing and the threat of being tearful, made the words tumble, fantastic and fearless, you looked at me with a desperate thirst, like a drowning man views water and I looked to your lips first, just for a second and then you closed the distance, drew me close, only a hairs-breadth between us, the kiss so amazing, so beautiful and so right, your hand on my face, in my hair, my skin alight.

Do I remember the way you drew back, I wasn't finished, needing more, pulled you towards me, your lips I wanted, totally sure, pouring our feelings into the kisses we were sharing, love, safety, protection and a deep level of caring, I heard myself moan gently, the only sound I could make, the feel of your muscles and the texture of your face, no thoughts in my head though I could hear your thoughts churning, I wished I could silence them, speak of my yearning and how it felt like it was all meant to be, nothing besides the love of you and me.

Do I remember when it finally ended, the continually looking and the standing and staring, wanting to devour and yet not now quite so daring, the words wouldn't come, we stood there in silence, inevitable really that an interruption would find us, you looked like you had a million things to say but as usual the words just wouldn't come my way, I wanted to offer you comfort and reassurance, it was everything I wanted and to see if we could explore this, but nothing would come and we left in a hurry, I watched you sprint away and then came an avalanche of worry, cursing myself for not speaking my mind, how could you know that only love would you find, if you said you wanted it, I did as well, but I got it, because I know you, I felt your love as well, felt the memory of your fingers, your kiss, your touch, my heart sang a song, of life, wonder and love.

Do I remember?

Love, Serena x


End file.
